I learned that there are no humans at the Department Of Labor. In fact, going through trial and error, and I mean the old fashion plug and chug trial and error of getting a hold of some one. In this case, there are only so many combinations of buttons you can push in so many combinations, this was so bad in fact that I started writing down the combinations as to avoid listening to the pre-recoded messages.
I also learned that one could not just push random buttons repetitively until a human became frustrated and picked up the line. Instead Satan’s computer turned out to be programed to intercept and inform you that it was ending the call. While giving you the finger over the phone. So, I had to go at this the old fashion way.
The operation goes a little like this:
Satan’s Computer: Hello Thank y-
Satan’s Computer: If you –
Satan’s computer: Y-
Satan’s computer: Please wait while I tran-
Satan’s computer: Ring…Ring…Ring Hello You have reached Olga. Beeeeeep.
Yes. That is how it went, after about twenty four phone calls to the agency. Please note that this was a government instillation I was attempting to contact. Also, Olga, no last name, no title, no contact number, that the computer asks you for when you begin this sequence was not eager or willing to return any calls. Another fun fact, Olga is a Orc name from Dungeons and Dragon 5e. So I spent all that time, just to be transferred to an Orc, who probably did not know how to pick up a phone anyways.
So, turning to another path, I go talk to an underling in my operations department, as they are mandatory required to pick up the phone and be human I was ensured that I could actually speak with someone, no matter how underqualified. This they made sure to tell me, but they were able to provide me with several names, first and last, and phone numbers for the people to call. This is where it gets twistedly funny.
The person who I had originally tired to contact inside my organization when this accident happened was quitting at the time and therefor had not bothered to file any of my paperwork setting into action this whole shit storm. Their replacement finally trained in had to take over for them and finally did so, after fifteen days of the thirty day window was gone. It gets better, the new person in Human Resources that was supposed to he handling the information I had sent over after I got the request had quit two days ago. And, so my medical documents were left lounging in Tim buck two – even thought when I mailed them I had them given highest priority shipping and a signature required on delivery. Of course sense he had quit, he could do neither.
So, I have to make another call, and it turns out that trying to get a hold of HR is a lot like trying to get a hold of Satan himself. One can set up the cult circle, paint your body in mathematical symbols (Calculous is best for summoning - See the Calculous Daemons*) Needless to say, another hour of phone games later.
It was only now that I learned to appreciate the smart phones speaker option as I could just turn up the volume and set my phone down and start drawing. I highly recommend this tactic as it saves the use of your arm and ear considerably. That path also failing, I turned to the last thread of hope I had left – my insurance agency.
I will say this much for them: By comparison to a government organization, my insurance agency, privately owned, is like listening to angles sing. Very, screechy angles, with old static filled recordings that hurt your ears if you keep the volume to high. And the music is really out dated, but at least they only kept me on hold for twenty minutes, bless their hearts.
Their computer was much nicer as well. Our interactions went a little like this:
Computer: Hell and thank you for calling, please listen closely as our options hav-
Computer: I’m sorry I didn’t catch that could you please try ag-
Computer: I’m sorry I still didn’t understand you, co-
Computer: Please stand by while I transfer you to one of our operators.
And just like that I got to speak to a REAL, LIVE, PERSON. Yes, I am even convinced that they may have been human too. They took my insurance number and information, told me to forget I ever saw the bill and that if there was anything that my insurance did not cover I would find out in about a month or so. Also if there was any, that there would be no late fees either.
So, in a fraction of the amount of time it took me to try to go through several governmental organizations they took care of me and…and…I won. Bill is gone! Gone Gone Gone! Smeagol is free!
*Calculous Daemons: Monstrous creatures of fire and darkness that can be summoned by burning select texts while dancing nude around your school’s rock, or other important symbol if a rock is lacking, chanting ‘Sign, Sign, Co-sign, Sign, three point one four one five nine…’
Disclaimer: Results may vary depending on commitment and alignment of the stars. Daemon summoning is generally a very bad idea, even when it is to try and get them to help you with your homework. I suggest waiting until senior year. As it is well known that collage students do not have souls anyway. So you will fit right in.